I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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