god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
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Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
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So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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