I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
