i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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