She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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