its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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