I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Actions speak louder than pants.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
