My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
