I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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