my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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