My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Randomize
