Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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