just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
