Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
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