i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
