I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
