the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
