we have pet lesbian snakes
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
