He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
