I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
