Cold hands, warm shart.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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