i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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