guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
