I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
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Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
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I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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