is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
