Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
