Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
