I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
organizing the empties. That sober.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
