I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
