3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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