I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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