were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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