were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
