this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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