I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
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My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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