I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
