i don't plan on having that self control this summer
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
