remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
