I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Everclear isn't food dammit
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
