I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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