so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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