I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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