forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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