Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
