Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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