I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
