the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
