I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize