Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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