i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
