just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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