So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I wear drunk well.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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