New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
