im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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