The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I would fuck him just for his dog
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
