he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
