found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
