so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
