i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I fill condoms, not promises.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
